Weight Gain

Hi everyone. I've been lurking the forums for some time now, and actually using the website for about a year now... I decided that I should introduce myself because I feel that it would help me with my situation. This is going to be a very long post, please hang with me.

I'm 17 years old, a junior in high school. I am currently 5'3.25, 100lb. I know that is not severely underweight. I have never been diagnosed with anorexia, however, I presented many symptoms last year. I used to be 5'2.5 and 115, and lost 10 lb in the summer of my rising sophomore year (I am currently a junior). It was at that time I lost my period and to this day still have no had it. I used to never extremely restrict (maybe eat about 1200-1500 calories with exercise), but still during the school year I would almost pass out in class and getting up to walk because I was so weak. I used to be so obsessed with food and restricting, that I once cried over the fact that my mother bought whole milk instead of skim milk because it was 40 calories more per cup than skim. I still struggle with a good relationship with food (i.e. obsessing about the quantity, but with eating 1800-1900 calories per day with running). I ran cross-country this year, and I sort of used that to help me lose weight, leading me to weigh my lowest of 97-98 lbs (I lied on my sports physical before the season started saying that I had my period so I could run). I now realize that I NEED to gain weight to not only regain my period, but also to keep me from freezing all the time (even in the summer), keep my bones strong, keep my hair from shedding constantly (it's so embarrassing because I will literally pull out locks of it everytime I touch it- but because my hair is so thick it's unnoticeable- but I have noticed that is has significantly thinned since I was "healthy"), and to finally stop obsessing about food! It's literally killing me. I have a virtually non-existent relationship with my mother (nor sister), so I have not told my mom that I want to gain weight, nor my doctor (I don’t feel comfortable telling him). My mother (I know) used to think I was chubby when I was 115 at 5'2.5, and with herself being discretely obsessed with food herself (when I was 104 lb, she used to go around in public telling people my weight- no joke), I cannot tell her. Yet, it is ironic because she knows I have issues with food, and when she is away she has to call people to make sure I am eating- she doesn't trust me when it comes to food, but won't confront me. I want to be healthy. I want curves. I want people to think of me as looking like a woman instead of being mistaken as a freshman (I cannot tell you how many times this has happened). I do not know my body fat percentage, but from the online calculators (the ones where you basically measure everything- I know they are not accurate, but I wanted an estimate) I apparently have 14.6% body fat. I am trying to up my calories, but still struggle with the fact of actually eating that much. I am still petrified of gaining. I have decided two weeks ago since cross-country ended that I will officially gain weight. I can't seem to get over this fear, even though I do try to eat 2300-2500 about twice a week (but then I ruin it by eating like 1500 calories another day). I still haven’t gained any weight, obviously. I just don't know how to get over this barrier. I remind myself that I am doing my body good, and NEED to gain to get my period back (I have had my blood checked, but not for this reason [because my hands are ice cold and turn blue and white], but have had all types of hormones and different things checked with everything at normal range, so I am pretty sure my weight is the reason for my lack of periods). I have many other issues which I have not gone to the doctor for (as in psychologically- I think I might be bipolar as it runs in my family, with all seriousness I at least know I have a mood disorder- but I cannot do anything about it until I am in college, because my mother would mock me because my grandmother has it and she is always upset at her because of her psychological issues, also due to our financial situation and how I am freaking out about money). I say this because I know this is partially a cause of my disordered eating and obsession.

My goal (for the time being) is to gain up to 106 (I know it’s not a lot, but it will probably take me a while). However, I might gain more if I still do not have my period or I still feel the need to gain more curves =p. I also want to mention I still run, but maybe about four times a week, 3-5 miles per run (this past week I have only ran three days because I am sick).

I apologize for the very long essay, but I felt the need to provide background information. I am glad that I am here with you all because from what I have read; you all are very supportive, which is something I need. I also apologize because I probably won't be posting much due to my school schedule that makes it insanely difficult to have any free time at all.

All in all, I guess my question to you all is: how do you find the strength to gain weight, even though you know it's something you need to do?

you have to find the strength by constantly reminding yourself all the things that are happening to your body because of your bad eating habbits. you have lost your period and are loosing hair obviously that should make you want to gain weight. I had the same thing and I think that my hair falling out made me realize something was wrong. I had pushed everyone away telling myself I was fine I ignored my mom telling me to eat higher cal foods I ignored my freinds telling me how skinny I was. I went on bc to get my period back and I have gained 12 pounds back. I knew I didnt look good when I was the skinny and I would always wear bigger clothes and I didnt care what I looked like. I do look better now alot better and I am almost to the weight I used to be at which was still slim for being almost 5 11 and 138 at the time now im 133. I dropped all the way down to 119 and you have to get up to a healthy bmi to get your period. You probably wont even notice the weight gain. My mom still yells at my for buying lo cal foods but you have to push yourself to eat higher cal things or else you will jsut continure to hurt yourself. Set up an apt with a nutrionist and find out a meal plan that works for you. Thats what I did and I am so much happier at this new weight. I had a shock the other day when I realized I still wanst getting enough cals bc i was eating low cal stuff still such as sugar free things. Just push yourself 5 pounds will not look any diff. Good luck!!!